Thursday, July 17, 2008

One year, One month and One day

I just noticed on my pink ticker at the bottom of my blog that I have been "beating breast cancer for one year, one month and one day." It is so strange that everything about cancer is about fighting, and beating, and battling and killing. So very warlike, very offensive (the double entendre here.) They do say the best offense is a good defense.

I don't feel like I am FIGHTING. I mean it's not like I go into the ring and give the old cancer a left jab and a right hook to the chin and then a sucker punch to the kidney. Yes, this would cause a person that you were FIGHTING to pee blood for a few days but so can snowmobiling or going 4byin' in an old Willy's jeep. I don't really get an opportunity to FIGHT in that sense. I don't stay up at night because me and my cancer had some nasty words and it really hurt my feelings or was unfair. I don't get the fight thing. Maybe it is that "Fight Club" concept where foxy Edward Norton is constantly FIGHTING the evil and elusive Brad Pitt. Sadly, though that would make me the Ed Norton character (crazy & delusional) and the cancer would get to be Brad Pitt's character who is such a snazzy dresser and has a hell of a lot more fun in the movie.

BEATING now there is something I can relate to. Not that I have been BEATEN or have I ever BEATEN anyone else but I do feel like if my kids were at risk I could and would BEAT the living shit out of someone. One time I BEAT an alarm clock. Then I threw it out of my third floor apartment to a lonely death on the pavement. I have BEAT many people at Scrabble and have been BEATEN too. But again cancer is not a game and there is nothing and no one you get to BEAT. No checkered flag, no "uncle" and no trophy.

Am I BATTLING? Am I really BATTLING in the true sense of the word? Do I get up out of my bunker and BATTLE? Is it like what the soldiers are experiencing in Iraq-istan? Am I leading someone or something into BATTLE? I certainly don't sit up and yell, "Charge!" then point my sword at the enemy and proceed to lop their heads off. No 'Braveheart' action here. I basically stumble out of bed, trying to get the 5 feet to the bathroom to pop pain pills without falling. Nothing glorious there. Pathetic actually.

KILLING now that is where it gets weird. Am I KILLING cancer? Do I actually have anything at all to do with KILLING cancer? I don't know. I take a whole host of cancer KILLING drugs. My pee and my blood and my bones are constantly being tested for cancer death. But is it me that is doing the KILLING or am I just the host? And in being the hostess with the mostest do I not only accomodate the evil cancer but the evil cancer KILLING drugs, and the uncomfortable cancer death measuring tests and the indignities of all the side effects of the drugs that KILL the cancer. I mean really is it natural or normal to have to mark time out of one's calendar to take a shit? What do the real soldiers do? My husband, a soldier in another era, says that the MREs make the soldiers really constipated so it doesn't become an issue.

Can you imagine:
"One Delta One are you ready to drop the bomb?"
"Uh hold up One Delta One we got one that needs to take a shit."
"One Delta One let us know when you are ready."

Absurd.

I digress. I guess I am not a fighter or a batterer or a battle savvy warrior or a killer. I am just a chick with cancer and a pacifist's heart.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Guest Blog on a Log from NashVegas!




GUEST BLOG!!!

Greetings to all out there reading this. I’m coming to you live from Nashvegas, USA. Miss Michele has asked me to guest blog for her on this, her cancerversary. Yep, one year since our dear friend got some seriously life-changing, mind-blowing news and we were all left stunned and saddened. Since then, she has been a courageous fighter and a source of inspiration to us all. She recently received some more potentially bad news...the results of her latest PET scan were not as positive as those in the past. The test showed some areas of concern around her second lumbar (L2) vertebra/right hip region. There are a few possible reasons that are currently under speculation. One is metastatic flares, which would be fine. The second is an injury to the area, possibly from a recent camping trip, which would be fine as well. The third possibility is that the lesions in this area are particularly resistant to Michele’s current drug regime and are growing in a destructive fashion.

On this one year anniversary of Michele’s bad news, combined with other potentially bad news, I’m sure we’re all thinking “what can we do?” Let’s start small and work our way up…..

1) Show Michele love and support in whatever way possible. The power of positive energy cannot be underestimated. Lovely quote from George Eliot…. Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another. George Eliot was a chick, in case you didn’t know.

2) Practice kindness in your daily life. My most recent life changing realization is that it’s better to be kind than to be right. It makes so many of life’s decisions easier when I consider this.

3) Volunteer. I know Michele has tons of great organizations that she is involved with. Young Survivor’s Coalition, Check Your Boobies, Gilda’s Club. Some orgs will let you volunteer whenever you have time, or if you have no time, send them some dough. It will put a smile on your face.

4) Treat your children well. That damn crackhead Whitney’s right, they are our future.

5) Choose happiness! You can choose to be happy, or choose to be miserable; the amount of energy expended is the same.

You’re probably thinking “What’s this crazy cowgirl Chopra wannabe smokin’? I have no time to self-actualize…have you seen my bathroom??!?!” Yep, I hear ya. I just know that Michele is handling an unbelievably heavy load, but is still managing to make wisecracks and worry about making a difference. So put down your toilet brush and go spread some joy. You won’t be sorry.

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Eileen aka Styleen is a friend who has known Michele since Kindergaerten. They both graduated from Bellevue High School sometime during the Reagan Era. She met Matt during the restaurant years. She was actually the person who set Matt and Michele up on a blind date and that is where it all began.

Eileen currently lives with Donfeld in Nashville, Tennessee (the land of a thousand vowels and dipthongs.) Don is getting his PhD from Vanderbilt or VandyCamp and Eileen is working on her SWA 10-year tattoo.