When I showed up yesterday to The Cancer Institute for my monthly appointment and infusion (and harpoon) I felt off. I can't really put my finger on it but I just felt punky. Like I was coming down with something. Vague sysptoms that don't amount to anything, I just felt tired and shitty and worn out.
When I was having my blood draw and port accessed on the of onc nurses said "You don't seem like your usual happy self." I responded "I don't feel like my usual happy self." Generally, I am upbeat at these visits because I do so love Dr. Kaplan and his staff. For the most part I am always focused on how fortunate I am to have all the love and support that I do from Matt and my friends and family. Yesterday, it was a different story and it showed. The onc nurse said I must be coming down with a case of "chemo-itis." I asked her what that was and she said sometime around the 7th or 8th month a lot of people just get chemo-itis. They are just sick and tired of the chemo. Since I don't actually have the hardcore CHEMOTHERAPY yet I have decided that my diagnosis, the sense of ennui and anxiety rolled together like a friggin' crepe, is cancer-itis.
This clearly calls for a cancer-ectomy. But that's not an option so I will just have to roll with this cancer-itis. I am tired of being prodded and poked and harpooned. I used to be kind of excited about getting to second base with my physician every month. Now, it means nothing. My boobs could drop off while walking down the street and I would treat it like having a gum wrapper fly out of my pocket on a windy day. Oh well, there go my breasts, I hope I don't get fined for littering.
I used to await the call from the doctor's office about my CA 27-29 so I could report and add it to my Excel spread sheet (yes I am a geek) but I don't even care. I had a full blown anxiety attack yesterday. Well at least the Cancer Institute has a never ending supply of Ativan.
I have so much to look forward to. I have this trip to Jacksonville, Florida for the Young Survivor's Coalition National meeting in a couple of weeks. That should be great. I am also tacking on a few days to visit my friend Eileen (introduced Matt and I) in Nashville which will be awesome. Still with these fun trips looking in the near future I can't shake this cancer-itis.
Certainly this will pass. I will just keep seeing great movies like "Juno" reading fabulous books like "East, Pray, Love" and listen to the soundtrack from "Hairspray" listen to Sheryl Crow's "Detours" and try to blog more. That is what I can do right now.
Pity party, table for one, can we take your order?
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3 comments:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=86543
You don't always have to be strong. You are entitled to a pity party! I'm pretty sure what you are going through is no walk in the park. Everyone needs to realize that breast cancer is still a major threat to women and basically that it sucks!
Myra Agra! ... I've finally found you! You are never far from my thoughts and prayers and my hope is that, despite the time that has passed, you would call on me if there was anything I could do to lift you up or make life easier! Take you for a mani/pedi? Just sit and laugh? Anything.
Brianna
P.S. - Currently doing my self exam ever so discretely at my desk. ;)
I am in the exact same place! And I am only stage one (just finishing six months of chemo and almost two months of rads)...I saw my oncologist yesterday and she said it's not uncommon.
Anyways, hope you're back to your upbeat self soon.
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